Halloween is only four days away, and if you haven't chosen your costume already, you're screwed. Luckily, VC&G is here to help (once again) with 13 fresh last-minute costume ideas.
Through this article, things you will see. Other places. The future…the past. Old friends long gone.* Regardless of the vintage, each of these costumes is guaranteed to get you candy or your money back. Did I mention this is the fifth entry of this longstanding VC&G tradition? Most excellent.**
* Modified Yoda quote.
** Unmodified Bill & Ted quote.
David Jaffe Costume Recipe:
- Short brown hair, sideburns
- Comfortable slacker T-shirt
- Indelible smirk
In-Character Behavior: Openly proclaim, "I'm not eating candy again, EVER." Then immediately pull out a Snickers bar and chomp into it. When people complain, threaten to stop talking to them for a year.
Cacodemon Costume Recipe:
- 300 lbs. ground chuck
- 117 lbs. pork (dyed blue)
- Shark teeth (1 set)
- Cow horns (8)
- Squid eyeball
- Sparklers (three dozen)
In-Character Behavior: Appear to float while actually riding on the roof of your buddy's black 1989 Ford Taurus. Toss fireballs (sparklers) at passing trick-or-treaters while groaning ominously.
Video Chess Player
Video Chess Player Costume Recipe:
- Metal-rimmed glasses
- Full beard
- Short-sleeved dress shirt
- Checkerboard slacks
- Optional: 1960s computer embedded in chest
In Character-Behavior: Slouch apathetically in front of a chess board, head propped on arm, while eliciting ample sighs and ho-hums to passers-by. If anyone challenges you to a game, accept, but confront the opponent with the ferocity and intelligence of a drunk pigeon.
California Games Bikini Girl
California Games Bikini Girl Costume Recipe:
- Two-tone yellow/pink bikini
- Yellow Frisbee
- Roller skates
- Paper bag over head
- Optional: Enormous California Games logo medallion
In-Character Behavior: Roller-skate around and toss your Frisbee in a carefree 1980s fashion. Never let anyone see your face, no matter how curious they become. If massive quantities of alcohol have been consumed, proudly display your nipples.
Super Arthur Costume Recipe:
- Suit of full-body medieval knight's armor (specially modified)
- Red cape
- Iron broadsword
- Heater shield with arbitrary crest
- Dislocated elbow
In-Character Behavior: Attack those wearing ghoul, ghost, or other undead costumes. If someone hits you back, pull a string that instantly drops your complete set of trick armor to the ground. Jump away naked.
Minecraftsman Costume Recipe:
- Cardboard boxes (6: for limbs, torso, head)
- Blue, green, and flesh-tone paint
- Larger cardboard box (for crafting)
In-Character Behavior: Harvest sticks from consumed Halloween lollipops, then dig a hole and sit in it while you assemble the sticks into a makeshift pickaxe on your crafting box. With said pickaxe, carve perfect cubes of stone and dirt from the earth and use them to build a physically unlikely bridge over your neighbor's house.
Wall Street Kid
Wall Street Kid Costume Recipe:
- Gray business suit
- Pair of green aviator sunglasses
- Large bags of play money
- Suitcase labeled "Top Secret"
- Fawning female companion
- Disproportionately large head
In-Character Behavior: Smooth talking is the key. Attempt to sell junk bonds and bizarre Inverse Apex portfolios at every door. If people question your motives or efficacy, pull out a Motorola DynaTAC and start jabbering. At all other times, generally burn money.
Ken Levine Statue
Ken Levine Statue Costume Recipe:
- Chiseled Jaw
- Steely, sunken Eyes
- Short, spiky hair
- Ten o'clock shadow
- Polo shirt
In-Character Behavior: Regardless of context, emotion, or action, always retain the same expression and angle toward the viewer as you see above. If people ask you about BioShock, gaze at them even harder.
Ninja Golfer Costume Recipe:
- Black ninja outfit
- Oxtail sabre*
- Full set of golf clubs and umbrella
- Small hip flask filled with whiskey
In-Character Behavior: Pick a target. After hitting a golf ball toward it, run to the ball while attacking intervening Halloween revelers. Repeat until you finally get the ball to the target. Then lean back, relax, and smoke a cigar.
Kickle Cubicle Costume Recipe:
- Red and blue Spandex bodysuit
- Blond wig
- Ear muffs
- Blocks of ice (two dozen)
In-Character Behavior: Fill random potholes in the street with blocks of ice. When other trick-or-treaters approach (especially those dressed as snowmen or chickens), kick ice at them until they drop their candy.
Phalanx Banjo Hillbilly
Phalanx Banjo Hillbilly Costume Recipe:
- 5-string Banjo
- Brown fedora
- Red plaid shirt
- Blue jean overalls
- Enormous white beard
In-Character Behavior: Excitedly chirp, "I'm from space!" as trick-or-treaters approach your porch. When asked for candy, generously ladle out moonshine from an old steel can.
Angry Bird Costume Recipe:
- Red beanbag chair
- Eagle beak
- Enormous sling shot
In-Character Behavior: Upon seeing a house containing either (a) pigs, (b) people dressed as pigs, or (c) pigs dressed as people, hurl yourself forcefully at the foundation of the home in an attempt to undermine its structure. Do not stop until the pigs fall down!
Atari Bowler Costume Recipe:
- 1970s Bowling outfit
- Fake mustache
- Prosthetic arms (6)
- Bowling balls (5)
- Bowling pins (10)
- Piano wire
In Character-Behavior: Windmill your eight arms around really fast, hitting people in the face until they fall over. Take their candy and repeat. If jailed, do the same to your fellow prisoners. Attempt not to die.
Happy Halloween, everybody!