I hereby declare: let this monstrosity be spread about the world as the scariest, strangest, and most disturbing Halloween costume ever conceived by mankind:

And “luckily” for me, it has to do with video games. I’m not quite sure what Atari’s marketing department was thinking when they approved (or commissioned?) this costume. Oh wait; I know: money…

“Say, Charlie…we’ve got this great idea…kids can dress up as the game Asteroids for Halloween. Their face will look like a disfigured conglomeration of hollow rocks! We’ll sell ten million units in three months — each family buying two or three costumes a piece because, quite frankly, we shit gold.”

We can only hope that this costume didn’t encourage anyone to shoot little kids in the face. Hmm…perhaps next Halloween I’ll go as one of those big straw archery targets. But hey; the 1980s was a more innocent time.

These images are from the brilliantly entertaining site known as RetroCrush. They have a gallery of some other vintage video game-related costumes that’s definitely worth checking out. Also, some years ago, the curator of RetroCrush compiled a list of the worst Halloween costumes of all time, and sensibly, this costume has a place on the list.

Coming Soon: Halloween costumes based on the racing asphalt in Pole Position, the inky blackness of Pong, and a realistic plastic mask of Donkey Kong’s hairy ass.

After all, he is a donkey.

[Editor’s Note: Please welcome Ulaf Silchov, an expert in video games and computers, for his first contribution to VC&G. –RW]

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO PLAY THE VIDEO GAMES. I LIKE TO PLAY THE VIDEO GAMES BUT THE VIDEO GAMES ARE HARD FOR ULAF TO UNDERSTAND. SO ULAF READS BOOK ON THE VIDEO GAMES TO WIN THEM GOOD. AND ME, BEING ULAF, WOULD LIKE TO SHARE SECRET BOOKS DISCOVERED ON THE VIDEO GAMES WITH MY PERSONS.

THE FAVORITE VIDEO GAME

BEFORE THE BOOKS ON THE VIDEO GAMES, I SHARE WITH MY PERSONS NOW THE FAVORITE VIDEO GAME OF MY MIND:

IT ABOVE IS THE VIDEO GAME THAT MANY SMALLER THE VIDEO GAMES PLAY INSIDE IT IF YOUR MIND HAVE THE RIGHT DEVICES. BUT ULAF ONLY HAVE ONE DEVICE AND SO SMALL IT IS FOR THE HANDS OF ULAF, THAT ULAF CRUSHED IT. AND THEN MY MIND STOPS.

[ Continue reading HOW TO BEAT THE VIDEO GAMES » ]

Ah…it’s Friday again; time to have some fun. In our inaugural match of the recently formed (some 5-10 minutes ago) VC&G Wrestling League (or VWL, if you will), we’re pitting two of personal computing’s most auspicious luminaries against each other in a no-holds-barred “battle of the grizzled.” Who will come out on top? Let’s take a look at our contenders:

In this corner, we have Dan Bricklin (“Brick”), co-inventor of the world’s first spreadsheet program for personal computers (VisiCalc), general all-round software nerd, and part-time lumberjack. Skinny, yet nimble and dexterous, Brick possesses the perfect counterpoints to Woz’s brute strength.

In the other corner, we have Steve Wozniak (“Woz”), co-founder of Apple Computer, prankster par excellence, and essentially the living embodiment of hardware hackerdom. He’s a pretty hefty fellow who could probably toss around a few cows if he really wanted to. But don’t confuse his bulk with being overweight — it’s all muscle, baby, and he’ll likely use it to pound Brick into previously unknown subterranean depths.

So it’s a classic battle between hardware and software gurus in our first fight! Best of all, both of these men are perennially known as being really nice guys, so how will that affect the match? Will they just shake hands and call it off, or will they ruthlessly nice each other into submission? Will Brick trick Woz with a stick to the ribs, or will Woz smack Brick with a Mac to grab the upper hand?

Who will win this epic battle? I have no idea, you tell us!

Quit fiddling around with your nancy-boy software, pansy. It’s time to get Hardcore. With Microsoft.

They want you on their team. They’ll give you a door. They’ll give you Windows. And you’ll get a health club membership, access to workout facilities, and an array of benefits like health, dental, vision, and retirement packages. If that doesn’t sound totally hardcore, then I don’t know what is.

But seriously — once you sign up to work at Microsoft, they’re so hardcore that, on your first day on the job, they lock you stark naked in a ten-foot-square, windowless, blank white room with two cans of spray paint. Your next move will determine your position in the company. This Kobayashi Maru-like “no-win scenario” originates from an incident in 1981 when Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen was painting their new office space over the weekend and somehow locked himself inside a closet. Thinking quickly, he fashioned a makeshift air horn out of a spray paint can and some cardboard. Of course, no one ever heard him, and that’s probably why we’ve not seen Paul Allen since.

When they ran the same test on Steve Ballmer a year later, he immediately ate both cans of paint and had to be revived with fifteen minutes of intensive CPR. Although he lived, he has still never fully recovered from the incident. Bill Gates took the challenge last, and by day two, he was so bored that he spray painted a window on the wall and tried to climb through. A couple hundred bruises later, Bill Gates emerged from the room bloody, but victorious. Since he is the only man to have ever won the “no-win scenario,” he became president of Microsoft, and the rest is history.

If you use this image on your site, please support “Retro Scan of the Week” by giving us obvious credit for the original scan and entry. Thanks.

Way back in the land before time (1995), when a little ole company you might have heard of called “Nintendo” was tinkering with its worst gaming experiment ever (Virtual Boy), another company called Tiger Electronics (famous for its handheld LCD games, if you’ll recall), possibly tried [citation needed] to capitalize on the hoopla surrounding Nintendo’s red-headed stepchild. Tiger introduced the R-Zone, a LCD-based gaming system that used red-tinted game cartridges and projected them onto a HUD mirror strapped over the player’s pimply forehead (see picture). An extremely uncomfortable-to-hold detached controller held the batteries, and the player plugged the cartridge — each containing its own LCD screen — into the headset. It worked very poorly, as you might imagine; but what more could you expect for $30 (US) MSRP?

(The main scan above is of the paper insert from the blister package that my original R-Zone came in back in 1995.)

[ Continue reading Retro Scan of the Week: Tiger’s R-Zone — the Ultimate Eye Strain Device » ]

And you thought video game controllers were over-complicated these days; this one requires five (slightly-pudgy child) hands just to use it properly.

Take a look at this bad boy: four trigger buttons on the pistol-like grip (one per finger), twelve buttons in the overlay-friendly numeric keypad matrix on top, a one-dimensional “speed roller” wheel near the back, and an extremely flaccid red-knobbed joystick crowning it all. Combine this with the futuristic look of a gaudy black space gauntlet that literally engulfs your hand, and you’ve got the ColecoVision Super Action Controller. This marvel of controlling technology came in sets of two with a “Super Action Game” included — in my case, “Super Action Baseball.” I’m lucky enough to have a pair essentially “new in box,” so I grabbed these scans off the box itself.

It’s no secret that the ColecoVision’s original controllers were absolutely horrible. In fact, they could only be surpassed by those of the earlier Intellivision in terms of “least ergonomic controller design ever.” Obviously someone within Coleco noticed this fact and set out to design a super-ergonomic controller with a vengeance. But it seems they went a little overboard in the process: on the box it claims that the Super Action Controller is “the first video game [controller] that [gives] you individual control of 4 or more onscreen players.” Sounds really simple and easy to use, doesn’t it? With this amazing controller, you can control an entire baseball team with only one hand! Coleco was obviously way ahead of its time in this respect, as it seems the rest of the video game industry has still not caught up with their incredible insight into control of on-screen characters. Had Coleco gotten their way, we’d probably be playing five-on-five video basketball against ourselves (using one finger for each player) on a controller with twenty-five buttons. The extra fifteen are for the refs and the cheerleaders, of course.