The Story of AMD64

Tuesday, November 10th, 2015

The Story of AMD64 Opteron
(An interpreted narrative told through real AMD stock photos)

10 DAYS OF VINTAGE: Day 9

[ Continue reading The Story of AMD64 » ]

Real Place Names that Sound Like Namco Arcade Games

Wednesday, October 21st, 2015

This is amusing. It turns out that a number of real, actual geographical place names in the world happen to sound a lot like 1980s Namco arcade video game titles. (If you try to pronounce them in English, anyway.)

I ran across this phenomenon a few years ago when I accidentally learned about Malaga, Spain (i.e. Galaga). After that, I decided to look for other cities and places that sound like (or at least are spelled like) various Namco games. Here is what I’ve found so far:

[ Continue reading Real Place Names that Sound Like Namco Arcade Games » ]

The Warning Signs of Computer Dad Syndrome

Tuesday, September 23rd, 2014

Computer Dad SyndromeDuring the 1980s, a debilitating disease broke out among white middle-class nuclear families across the United States. Fathers everywhere were seen awkwardly encouraging their children during regular activities — often while playing video games or using personal computers.

Thirty years later, doctors have finally identified this malady as Computer Dad Syndrome (or “CDS” for short), which manifests itself in spontaneous episodes of uncomfortably becoming someone’s dad for the duration of a photography shoot.

Diagnosis of this condition is contingent upon the appearance of three or more of the following symptoms.

Clutching of the upper arm

Clutching of the upper arm

[ Continue reading The Warning Signs of Computer Dad Syndrome » ]

Top 1000 Video Games of All Time

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

The Top 1000 Video Games of All Time

Today, PC World published my latest slideshow, The Top 1000 Video Games of All Time.

The in-depth piece — split into 1000 separate slides, each with its own paragraph of text — took over two years to create.

You may be asking yourself how one person could create such an epic work. Well, I got a little help from custom algorithms I programmed partially in Haskell — and partially in Minecraft’s redstone circuitry using Boolean algebra.

But I didn’t just rely on computer wizardry. Much self-deliberation went into choosing the order of the items on the list. I argued with myself for hours while sitting on the bench at a local park, on the bus, and in the North Regional Branch of the Wake County Public Library. After being arrested 13 times (twice in the nude), I decided to perform future deliberations in the privacy of my own bathroom. I feel that it made the results more pure.

Here’s a sneak peek at the bottom 11:

1000. Halo (Xbox)
999. Silpheed (IBM PC)
998. Sewermania (TI-99/4A)
997. Quadrapong (Arcade)
996. Section Z (NES)
995. Pooyan (Arcade)
994. New Super Mario Bros. (DS)
993. Popeye: Beach Volleyball (Game Gear)
992. Lloyd the Squirrel (???)
991. Snafu (Aquarius)
990. Descent (PC)

And here’s a selection from somewhere near the middle:

555. Superman (2600)
554. Bioshock Infinite (PC)
553. Slipnosis (iOS)
552. Star Trek: Phaser Strike (Microvision)
551. Farmville (Flash)
550. Deadly Towers (NES)

As for the top 10, you may be in for a surprise. My Haskell program determined with scientific precision that the 10 greatest video games of all time are, in fact, different versions of Ms. Pac-Man:

10. Ms. Pac-Man (Apple iPod)
9. Ms. Pac-Man (Atari 2600)
8. Ms. Pac-Man (TI-99/4A)
7. Ms. Pac-Man (ColecoVision)
6. Ms. Pac-Man (Atari 5200)
5. Ms. Pac-Man (Atari 800)
4. Ms. Pac-Man (IBM PC)
3. Ms. Pac-Man (Intellivision)
2. Ms. Pac-Man (Arcade)
1. Ms. Pac-Man (Atari 7800)

Oddly, my redstone program placed Super Mario Bros. 3 in the top 10 seven times — that’s how good it is. But I can’t do the same game on the same platform in multiple spots, so I compromised. To see the full, final list, you’ll have to check out the slideshow yourself. I hope you enjoy it.

And remember: unlike most of my previous ranked lists, I used computer algorithms to ensure its accuracy, so don’t get mad if you disagree with the list. You’re completely wrong.

—-

Discussion Topic: What are your top 1000 video games of all time?

GAME BOY CAMERAS SPAM TRY-POD MOUNTER DEVICES

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

GAMEBOY CAMERA SPAM TRY-POD MOUNTER DEVICES (Game Boy Camera Tripod)

UPON ONE OF THOSE TIMES, ULAF CREATE TRY-POD MOUNT FOR THE GAME BOY COLORFUL UNIT, THE CAMERAS, WHICH THE MINDS OF NINTENDOGS CREATES SOMETIMES NEAR 1998 (WHAT A MINDS). WITH GREATEST OF THE SKILL, ULAF CARVE FOAM BETWEEN CANS OF THE SPAM (THE FAVORITE AMERICAN FOODS) HOLLOW, INTO HOLE FOR THE HOLDING OF THE GAME BOY CONSUL OF MY MIND.

WORKED WONDER FOR THE PHOTOGRAPHAGRAPHERS OF MY MIND:

GAMEBOY CAMERAS PHOTOGRAPHAGRAPHERS

ULAF PRINT ALL THOSE PHOTOGRAPHAGRAPHERS AND HUNG THEM UPON THE REFRIDGERATE OF ULAF.

BY THE WAYS, DID NOT THE GAME BOY GROWS INTO THE GAME MEN? WHERE DID THAT LITTLE BOY OF GAMING TIME GO? MATURATION AND PUBESCENCE, THAT IS WHERE. AND ABOVE ALL OF THE NOISES IT BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND ATE MY MIND. AHHHHHH.

PERHAP ULAF EATS THE WRONG MUSHROOM.

JUST A QUICK NOTE FROM MY MIND. GO BACK TO LIFE NOW. UNTIL NEXT TIME THIS IS ULAF SAYING BE THE MASTER.

Ulaf Silchov is an expert in video games and computers. He also writes for “Svadlost Weekly” and “The Overachieving Underling Circular.”

Ask the Chessmaster

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

Ask the Chessmaster

Greetings, my fellow chess fans. Welcome to The Chessmaster.

That is, welcome to a new feature where I, The Chessmaster, will answer your personal letters to the best of my chessly ability.

Since I have been playing chess almost non-stop for over 300 years, I thought it might be a good time to bring my accumulated wisdom directly to the people.

In preparation for this column, I have been soliciting questions from a troubled American populace for the last six months. It is my hope that my responses will benefit all readers as much as they help those who submitted the questions.

With that out of the way, let’s get to the first question.

[ Continue reading Ask the Chessmaster » ]

ULAF SCAN OF THIS WEEKS: THE SID MEIERS

Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

THE SID MEIERS

WELCOME AGAIN VINTAGE PEOPLES. ULAF FINDS THIS PAPER CONTAINER TODAY BETWEEN CRACKS HIDING IN BACK OF GARAGE. IT BECOMES A BEAUTIFUL PICTURES OF BRAVE THE SID MEIERS, THAT ONLY MOST FAMOUS GAME CONSTRUCTOR OF THE GLOBE.

SOMETIME MY PEOPLES SAY TO ULAF, “ULAF, ARE YOU THE HOBOSEXUAL?” TO WHICH ULAF RESPAWN, “ONLY IF YOUR MIND PAY ULAF 2300 KRELBS.” BUT REALLY, WHAT ONE PERSONS COULD BECAME THE HOBOSEXUAL WHEN MANY IS? AND MANY IS FEEL TINGLE FOR THE SID MEIERS, EVEN THE UNBENT MANS OF WIFE. IT STANDS THE COMPASSION OF PLATO, NOTHING ABOVE.

EITHER WAYS, THIS ULAF DEFINITIVELY GOES AS THE SID MEIERS NEXT HALLOWEENS. HERE BECOMES A PREVIEW.

The Official Golf Ball of Ultima III: Exodus

Saturday, April 8th, 2006
Official Ultima III Golf Ball

Here it is: the Official Golf Ball of Ultima III: Exodus. Back in 1983, if you found this ultra-rare object included in your Ultima III game box, you won an all-expenses paid trip to Lord British’s backyard swimming pool.

Ok, so I made that up. I actually found this golf ball in my back yard recently and thought it mildly amusing. The ball’s shape looks warped purely because my flatbed scanner wasn’t designed to scan 3D spherical objects. I wonder if Richard Garriott uses this brand when he hits the green.