Greetings, my fellow chess fans. Welcome to The Chessmaster.

That is, welcome to a new feature where I, The Chessmaster, will answer your personal letters to the best of my chessly ability.

Since I have been playing chess almost non-stop for over 300 years, I thought it might be a good time to bring my accumulated wisdom directly to the people.

In preparation for this column, I have been soliciting questions from a troubled American populace for the last six months. It is my hope that my responses will benefit all readers as much as they help those who submitted the questions.

With that out of the way, let's get to the first question.

[ Continue reading Ask the Chessmaster » ]

Just a little while ago on Twitter, I started spouting out some one liners, Jeff Foxworthy style, about how you know if a website is old. I love coming across old websites, so it's fun to spit these out.

I can't guarantee that they're funny, but I think they're at least amusing. People liked them enough that I decided to post my lines here and ask you guys to continue the list. I may add more to it over time.

• You know it's an old website if…
  …every image on the site rotates.
• You know it's an old website if…
  …they refer to AltaVista in the present tense.
• You know it's an old website if…
  …you found it through a web ring.
• You know it's an old website if…
  …it says "Best viewed in IBM WebExplorer."
• You know it's an old website if…
  …your browser complains that there's no MIDI plug-in installed.
• You know it's an old website if…
  …it forces you to enter the site through a splash page.
• You know it's an old website if…
  …it asks you not to hotlink the GIF images.
• You know it's an old website if…
  …every single link on the page '404s.
• You know it's an old website if…
  …the owner claims it's "under construction."
• You know it's an old website if…
  …it brags about having 1,000 hits.

Now it's your turn. Add your one-liners in the comments below.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created floppy…no, wait."
(click above to see the full advertisement)


10 REM DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE TEST BY THOMAS JEFFERSON
15 REM IN HIS BASEMENT, JULY 4TH, 1776, 14K FREE
20 PRINT "WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE ____"; INPUT I
30 IF I = "SELF-EVIDENT" THEN GOTO 100
40 IF I = "TURKEY FLAVORED" THEN GOTO 200
50 IF I = "ONLY TRUE IF YOU ARE MARTHA" THEN GOTO 300
60 IF I = "COMPLETELY FALSE" THEN GOTO 400
70 GOTO 20
100 PRINT "EXCELLENT! I LIKE YOU."; GOTO 500
200 PRINT "TRY AGAIN, FRANKLIN."; GOTO 20
300 PRINT "GO BRUSH YOUR WOODEN TEETH."; GOTO 20
400 PRINT "HOW DID THIS MAKE IT TO ENGLAND?"; GOTO 20
500 END


Happy Independence Day from Vintage Computing and Gaming

Discussion Topic of the Week: If most computers were manufactured in the USA today, would you be more or less likely to buy them?

It's just, you know, one a them computers. One a them things. Don't work.

Discussion Topic of the Week: In your words, what is a computer?

Up now on PCMag is a slideshow I made showcasing freaky-weird 3D amateur computer art of the early 1990s. It's composed mostly of GIF files from the BBS era that I've been collecting for some time now.

Here's a snippet of the introduction:

Back in the early 1990s, when 3D computer-generated art was still a new thing, a brave new breed of amateur artists emerged. They took up early 3D CGI (computer generated imagery) tools and created graphical works that they then shared on dial-up BBSes and CompuServe.

Over the years, I've collected dozens of these now-vintage images, and I recently noticed that many of them are, well, more than a little bizarre.

When you're done checking out the slideshow, feel free to post your fondest memories of vintage CGI graphics. And if you have any bizarre 3D CGI images of your own to share, please post a link.

CYBERSPACE (echo, echo, echo…):

The future of mankind or an ingenious scheme to sell virtual furniture for real money?

It's been a while since I've done a slideshow where I attempted to quantify the unquantifiable and rank a series of things in order from least to greatest. I'm typically not a fan of the format because the results are always subjective, but I still think it works because it stimulates public thought and gives me a good excuse to both entertain and educate on a subject I love.

The subject, in this case, is online worlds, where people gather together in virtual space to buy/sell mouse-crafted Furry outfits, chat about LARPing, and construct entire worlds filled with simulated genitalia.

So without further ado, I present to you "The 11 Most Influential Virtual Worlds of All Time" over at PC World. I hope you enjoy it.

When you're done reading/pounding your fists, feel free to tell us about your favorite online worlds in the comments below.

"Unleash the fury of the full force blast!"

Ah yes, Spawn: the game that launched a thousand thugs…directly off the roof of a building.

I'll pause while you watch the video.

Aside from that slight programming snafu, Spawn is a passable, if graphically rich, platform beat-em-up for the Super NES. Does anybody out there own this game? How do you feel about it?

Discussion Topic of the Week: What's your favorite comic book-based video game?

If you like my regular VC&G series of Halloween costume ideas, then you might enjoy this piece I just whipped up for PCMag, titled "12 Last-Minute Tech Halloween Costume Ideas." Readers seeking practical costume ideas may be disappointed, but readers expecting boatloads of Benj-style Halloween humor will hit the jackpot. Or at least I hope so.

Happy Halloween!

—
Here's a list of the VC&G Halloween Costume Ideas articles:

2010 Video Game Edition
2009 Video Game Edition
2008 Video Game Edition
2007 Video Game Edition
2006 Video Game Edition
2006 Computer Edition

Halloween is only four days away, and if you haven't chosen your costume already, you're screwed. Luckily, VC&G is here to help (once again) with 13 fresh last-minute costume ideas.

Through this article, things you will see. Other places. The future…the past. Old friends long gone.* Regardless of the vintage, each of these costumes is guaranteed to get you candy or your money back. Did I mention this is the fifth entry of this longstanding VC&G tradition? Most excellent.**

* Modified Yoda quote.
** Unmodified Bill & Ted quote.

[ Continue reading VC&G's Halloween Video Game Costume Ideas (2010) » ]

SOME PEOPLES ASK ULAF THIS: HOW IS IT THAT MY MIND CAN CAPTURE THE SPEED? TO WHICH ULAF RESPAWN A SIMPLE WORDS: WITH THE SPEEDBOARDS OF COURSE. IT IS TRUE THAT THE SPEED OR THE BOARDS HAVE BEEN HARDEST TO TAME OF ALL ELEMENTS, SO THE MAGIC OF THESE DEVICE CANNOT BE UNDERSTOOD.

SO THEN ALWAYS RECALL THIS DAY THAT HERE YOUR MIND SEES THIS SPEEDBOARDS PHOTOGRAPHY, ONE PICTURES OF THAT ULTIMATE MASTER DEVICES FOR THE NINTENDO ENTRAPMENT SYSTEM (NES FOR ABBREVIATED). ULAF USE IT AND USE IT, THEN OBTAIN HIGHEST SCORE EVER DURING MEGA MEN II WITH FINGERTIPS. NO SMALL FEET.

JUST A QUICK NOTE FROM MY MIND. GO BACK TO LIFE NOW. UNTIL NEXT TIME THIS IS ULAF SAYING BE THE MASTER.

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Ulaf Silchov is an expert in video games and computers. He also writes for "Svadlost Weekly" and "The Almost Perfect Circle Newsletter."